This is NOT a resolution

When I was in the first grade, my elementary school had these "school spirit" weeks where everyday you had to do something assigned to show your school spirit, like... wear a hat. The first task of the first day was to wear your clothes inside out. Boy, was I excited! I picked out the outfit I was going to wear a few nights before. I thought this specific shirt would be perfect for the day because of the weird design the front had. It was seriously cool. I remember that morning, walking out to the bus stop, which was right across the street from my house, excited to show off my carefully coordinated inside out outfit. Stephanie, who was my best friend at the time, appeared to not be wearing her clothes inside out. I approached cautiously... Was this school spirit thing dumb? Is no one else participating? Am I going to be the only one who made this serious fashion faux pas?

"Hey Stephanie... why aren't you wearing your clothes inside out?"

She noticed my outfit. "Umm... what?" she asks, obviously confused.

"For school spirit week..."

"Oh. That's next week."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure my eyes looked like they were going to pop out of my head, but I totally tried to play cool.

"Oh... right. Umm.... so....." I crossed my arms and looked down at my shoes, under which were inside out socks.

The bus FINALLY arrived and I quickly took a seat and slid my back so far down the brown pleather, I was practically laying down. Stephanie seemed to take no notice of my discomfort since she sat right down next to me and ratted on about how her Grandmother found a bees nest the night before.

What am I going to do? My clothes are inside out! I am such a weirdo. People are going to think I think it's normal to wear my clothes inside out. OR that maybe I don't know my clothes are inside out! I can't change here on the bus! I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

The rest of the memory is kind of a blur but I do remember going into my classroom and changing in the bathroom. (I guess 1st graders need a bathroom in the class?) I can clearly remember how incredibly anxious and uncomfortable and self conscious I was. Even though far more embarrassing things have happened to me, this one really freaked me out. I can still relate to my 5 year old self because I still get that self conscious.

When I was around 8, I started to get chunky. Throughout middle school and high school and after, I kept on packing on the pounds. You would think that since I have been big for so long, I would get used to it, but I'm not. I hate it. Sometimes I look at a picture of myself and I can't believe how big I have let myself get. It became a regular thing to hear from relatives, "What are you going to to about your weight?... You should get blood work done... Here is a diet book I thought you could use." I know my family cares about me and is concerned for my health but I don't think they realize how much my size effects me. I don't blame them for not knowing though. I never, ever talk about it. They may have taken that as a sign that I am not aware of my weight or that I even care about it. Believe me, it effects every single aspect of my life.

BUT

This isn't a woe-is-me post. The reason I am sharing this is because I am ready to deal with it. I had a high school psychology teacher who once said, "If you really want to do something, you just do it." So no more, "that would be cool if I could fit into that awesome dress" or "why can't I just be regular sized". The only thing that has ever been holding me back was myself. If I really wanted to lose the weight, I could...

And I will.

I am making this a public mission for a couple of reasons. One, so I will be held accountable. You don't want to know how many times I have started a diet only to slip up and give up the next day. That isn't going to happen this time. I might slip up, but I am not going to stop trying. Another reason for writing about this is because there is value to the struggles we go through and this is my blog, so this is me.

Not all my posts from here on out will be about eating healthy and working out, but some will. I want to share things I have had challenges with or learned along the way and I would love feedback, even if I only have 2 people who read this, that's okay!

I hope this didn't come across as some whiny post that makes you feel that I want you to feel sorry for me because that isn't the case at all. Also, I DO have a plan. (that's what makes this NOT a resolution!) I have started Weight Watchers. Even though I was able to lose weight in the past using Atkins, that is just not a diet I can keep up. I feel I made a great choice picking Weight Watchers because it teaches you to really be conscious of the food you eat and you can treat yourself every once in a while, which is a diet I can keep for a long long time, because I know this will take time, but it's all about the journey, right?

Thanks for reading. And... if you think about it... wearing your clothes inside out is pretty cool if I say so myself. Too bad I didn't think that then.