Monday, January 16, 2012

a life update

My husband Will and I have decided to seperate. We came to the decision last week and I have been completely heart broken since then. Although we both know it's for the best, it still hurts. Not only do I have to say goodbye to a man I've spent the majority of the last seven years with, but I also have to say goodbye to all the future plans we had as well. I've been home this past week completely wrecked, trying to distract myself with video games and stuffing my face, crying when I hear any song remotely suggesting anything having to do with love or loss. You know, all those cliches. At first I could only think about how it didn't need to be like this, all the things I could have done, would have done, would actually do if we could get back together but the reality is things happened the way they did for a reason. Those post relationship goggles are torture. We came to this decision together and I know that it's only a matter of time till I start feeling like a whole person again. Will and I got married so young that instead of coming together as two fully formed adults who knew who they were and where they wanted to go with their lives, we just kind of melded together into a malformed codependent and malfunctioning couple. There are SO many things I miss about us, miss about him, but I just need to keep reminding myself why it didn't work. I will always care about him and wish him the best. Because of some legal issues we are dealing with, we will have to remain in contact and though it will be hard, I'm also glad for that. I really do hope to stay friends. So for this past week I've been stuck sitting with this new reality and it is only now that I am getting my act together and starting to plan things. Since I can no longer afford this apartment, I am going to be moving back to my Mom's house. As much as I would see that as a failure in the past, I am trying hard to be easier on myself. I am going to be getting back to my old schedule at work which is great because it will keep me busy and I will be making some more money. I'm in the process of figuring out what breaking my lease entails and finding out exactly when I will be moving. I don't even have a working computer right now and I'm sitting here writing this on my Kindle after I finally figured out how to do it (write it in html). So there may be a while until my usual posts come back. For those of you who signed up for a calendar, I am sorry for the delay. I will email you all shortly. Thanks for your patience and support and for letting me vent.

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