regret v. discipline

I've struggled with my weight before and have even written about it on my blog to make myself more accountable. But things happen. Because I use food for a crutch, when life gets hard, it has been my cushion. Since ending my marriage I have lost 15 lbs. It's been tough and there have been a few "fuck this!" days but I always get back on track because I know it's worth it. I'm worth it. I'm really excited to keep making healthy life choices and to see where they take me.

How I'm doing it:

Calorie counting! YAY! Okay, so it's pretty boring and tedious but it's working. I'm using the MyFitnessPal website and app. They have a huge food database so I don't need to enter the nutritional information of what I eat, just add them to my daily diary. The interface is super easy and it's actually a lot like the mobile version of the Weight Watchers website.

Staying motivated. When I feel down in a rut and just want to pig out, I look up success stories of people who have lost weight to keep me motivated. I know I can do what they did and it helps to inspire me to stay focused on my goal every time.

Being realistic. The truth is, I'm not going to be successful on a diet that removes an entire food group that I love. I even treat myself on the weekends, but try to keep things in moderation, and change the foods I eat for the rest of the day accordingly.

It actually hasn't been that difficult but I am sure it will start to get more and more challenging as I have less weight to lose. Right now, it's coming off and I'm happy. I have a few special occasions coming up that I'm excited to go to and I want to look and feel my best. I can't wait!

waking up

via

I'm a sucker for talk radio. I've listened to the same morning show for years. I even remember my middle school bus driver playing the show and I used to sit up near the front, as uncool as that is, just so I could hear it better. The people of Elvis Duran and the Morning Show have become important people in my life. It seems really weird to say this but the more I think about it, the more I know it's true. I remember when Elvis wasn't "out of the closet" yet. I remember when Carolina was the crazy single girl, and now she is the crazy married girl. I remember when Danielle gave birth to her second child and Greg T, a child himself, had babies. These are people who are there for me everyday, making me laugh, telling me the news, asking their listeners to share their crazy stories. Yeah, sometimes they make dumb fart jokes or they "wish diarrhea" upon people. They also have extremely heartfelt moments, such as this morning.

This morning The Morning Show had Dr. Oz on. He is a frequent guest of the show and while I never watch his TV show (it's on while I'm working AND don't have cable) I have come to really like him a lot and I would definitely watch it if I could. He often comes on and answers listeners questions, dispels health myths, and talks about ways for people to get healthy. What's not to love about that? Today he came on to talk about a new project he is doing where instead of helping people one on one to get healthy, he is trying to get as many people as he can to get involved with Transformation Nation. It involves 7 easy steps to improving your health and for added incentive, a chance to win a million dollars.

Using Elvis as an example, Dr. Oz started going through what he would do for the program including getting more sleep, telling a friend for support, figuring out his BMI, and getting his blood pressure taken. Dr. Oz took Elvis' blood pressure on the air and said it was in the healthy range but could be lowered. After talking more about the program they then cut to commercials. It was when they came back when it really set in. Elvis said during the break, Dr. Oz was about to head for his next interview when he approached Elvis and told him he wanted to retake his blood pressure. He told him he lied on the air when he told him what his blood pressure was. He retook Elvis' blood pressure and it was the same abnormal number as before. It was SO high that Dr. Oz told Elvis he could have a stroke any day now. It was SO high he had to retake it to make sure! He didn't want to say it on the air the first time because someones health is very personal and he wanted to wait to talk to Elvis privately. Elvis said it was okay to talk about it on the air. After hearing the danger Elvis was in, I started crying! I have been a little emotional lately but hearing that this man who has basically become one of my friends could actually die any day just hurt me so much. Other members of the morning show started crying and saying they would support him to get healthy.

I've been trying to get healthy myself and what happened this morning just reinstated how important it really is. I know my weight is unhealthy and I have never been so motivated to take and keep it off. Also, it isn't just my weight that I need to change. I wake up everyday at 5:30am having had about 6 hours of sleep and rush out the door without breakfast. Why? I can go to sleep earlier. I can start planning healthy, quick breakfasts to take with me on my way to work. There is so much I can do for myself to get healthy. I've been eating at home lately and choosing healthier options MOST of the time. I am definitely sticking with it, not just for me, but also for the people who kinda sorta like me.

So it may seem sort of silly, for me to have people who mean a lot to me when they don't even know me, but today I had a huge awakening. While I have already been on the path of getting healthy, it really struck a cord in how serious and important it is. I really hope Elvis gets healthy, not just so he can keep me sane on my early ride to work, but for his own sake and the sake of those who love him.

Do you have people who don't know you but are part of your every day life?

It's been a crazy month

This month has had it's up's and down's, mostly down's, but that's okay. I've been sick for 5 days now with bronchitis but today I actually feel the antibiotics are working! We've had some crazy snow storms, the last of which gave us 2 feet of very wet snow and broke tons of branches everywhere. My apartment complex really sucks at plowing, which really pisses me off because I always see the complex maintenance truck at the office and not plowing! BUT in good news, I have lost 14 lbs. Yay! I wasn't expecting to lose any weight this week because I have been so lethargic and sleeping 24/7 but I lost 2 lbs. It was a bronchitis miracle! I can't wait to start working out again and get my heart pumping. I hope to do as well, if not better next month with my weight loss. Here are some things that have helped me get by in this insane month of January.


Black tea in my new very heart-y mug.

Snuggling up on the couch in the quilt my Aunt Ann made me and watching Hulu. (with Chloe of course)

And, although this may seem counter intuitive, these fudgsicles are AMAZING, like a frozen milkshake. Buy them, even if you don't care about calories.

This is NOT a resolution

When I was in the first grade, my elementary school had these "school spirit" weeks where everyday you had to do something assigned to show your school spirit, like... wear a hat. The first task of the first day was to wear your clothes inside out. Boy, was I excited! I picked out the outfit I was going to wear a few nights before. I thought this specific shirt would be perfect for the day because of the weird design the front had. It was seriously cool. I remember that morning, walking out to the bus stop, which was right across the street from my house, excited to show off my carefully coordinated inside out outfit. Stephanie, who was my best friend at the time, appeared to not be wearing her clothes inside out. I approached cautiously... Was this school spirit thing dumb? Is no one else participating? Am I going to be the only one who made this serious fashion faux pas?

"Hey Stephanie... why aren't you wearing your clothes inside out?"

She noticed my outfit. "Umm... what?" she asks, obviously confused.

"For school spirit week..."

"Oh. That's next week."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure my eyes looked like they were going to pop out of my head, but I totally tried to play cool.

"Oh... right. Umm.... so....." I crossed my arms and looked down at my shoes, under which were inside out socks.

The bus FINALLY arrived and I quickly took a seat and slid my back so far down the brown pleather, I was practically laying down. Stephanie seemed to take no notice of my discomfort since she sat right down next to me and ratted on about how her Grandmother found a bees nest the night before.

What am I going to do? My clothes are inside out! I am such a weirdo. People are going to think I think it's normal to wear my clothes inside out. OR that maybe I don't know my clothes are inside out! I can't change here on the bus! I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

The rest of the memory is kind of a blur but I do remember going into my classroom and changing in the bathroom. (I guess 1st graders need a bathroom in the class?) I can clearly remember how incredibly anxious and uncomfortable and self conscious I was. Even though far more embarrassing things have happened to me, this one really freaked me out. I can still relate to my 5 year old self because I still get that self conscious.

When I was around 8, I started to get chunky. Throughout middle school and high school and after, I kept on packing on the pounds. You would think that since I have been big for so long, I would get used to it, but I'm not. I hate it. Sometimes I look at a picture of myself and I can't believe how big I have let myself get. It became a regular thing to hear from relatives, "What are you going to to about your weight?... You should get blood work done... Here is a diet book I thought you could use." I know my family cares about me and is concerned for my health but I don't think they realize how much my size effects me. I don't blame them for not knowing though. I never, ever talk about it. They may have taken that as a sign that I am not aware of my weight or that I even care about it. Believe me, it effects every single aspect of my life.

BUT

This isn't a woe-is-me post. The reason I am sharing this is because I am ready to deal with it. I had a high school psychology teacher who once said, "If you really want to do something, you just do it." So no more, "that would be cool if I could fit into that awesome dress" or "why can't I just be regular sized". The only thing that has ever been holding me back was myself. If I really wanted to lose the weight, I could...

And I will.

I am making this a public mission for a couple of reasons. One, so I will be held accountable. You don't want to know how many times I have started a diet only to slip up and give up the next day. That isn't going to happen this time. I might slip up, but I am not going to stop trying. Another reason for writing about this is because there is value to the struggles we go through and this is my blog, so this is me.

Not all my posts from here on out will be about eating healthy and working out, but some will. I want to share things I have had challenges with or learned along the way and I would love feedback, even if I only have 2 people who read this, that's okay!

I hope this didn't come across as some whiny post that makes you feel that I want you to feel sorry for me because that isn't the case at all. Also, I DO have a plan. (that's what makes this NOT a resolution!) I have started Weight Watchers. Even though I was able to lose weight in the past using Atkins, that is just not a diet I can keep up. I feel I made a great choice picking Weight Watchers because it teaches you to really be conscious of the food you eat and you can treat yourself every once in a while, which is a diet I can keep for a long long time, because I know this will take time, but it's all about the journey, right?

Thanks for reading. And... if you think about it... wearing your clothes inside out is pretty cool if I say so myself. Too bad I didn't think that then.